Sunday, February 26, 2012

How to Toddler Proof Your House

I have been considering this a lot recently as my person and possessions are rapidly being destroyed by little people. 
This might not apply to all parents of toddlers, I myself have witnessed toddlers whose parents are able to keep ornaments on lower shelves and similar wonders. I go to their homes and they say 'oh, this room is fairly childproof' and I look around and think - you have a different species of child. 
This is for those of us with spirited toddlers. (Read destructive.)

Step One: 

Lets start with the biggies.
Pack away all ornaments you have spent the last 20 years collecting. These will be smashed. 
Remove all mops, brooms and curtain rods from the house. These will be used to swing around until they come in contact with a window, a person or some ornament you thought to be well out of reach. 
Remove all curtains and blinds. Curtains will be used to swing on and climb up while blinds will be pulled upon. The cords on blinds really are a life-hazard.
Remove all bookshelves. These make great ladders. Even if screwed to a wall the books will end up as a pile on the floor, the shelves will be climbed and the books hurled. 
Remove all beds. These are merely climbing devices, used to jump down on unwary people. 
Remove all doorknobs on kitchen cupboards. These will be used to climb up to get the things you thought were safe. Like the specially sharpened Global knives. You will come across said toddler later with the sharpest knife stuck down the back of his nappy for easy access. 
Remove all chairs, laundry baskets and storage boxes. These will be dragged around and made into a tower to get to all the places where you have stored precious and/or dangerous object. 
Remove all dog and cat bowls. Water and food will be blended and then up-ended. 
Don't even think about owning a tool kit. No matter where you put it, the contents will be found and said toddler will be found lunging at someone with a screwdriver or carefully scraping all the paint of the walls with it. 
Remove all sunscreens, lotions, potions and soaps with spray functions. These will be used to 'decorate' the walls. 
Laptops will be ruined. Just accept it. At present mine is missing 3 keys, has a crack in the mousepad and a dent in the case. The kind people at Apple fixed the screen for me after it was jumped on the last time. It is not yet 18 months old. 
Don't even think about PCs. 
I would go on. But basically, I think I'm saying that what you want to do is to find a nice cave and carefully pad the walls. Sleep on mats. Eat raw, un-cut food and wash in a stream.

Spirited (read destructive) toddlers and the 21st century do not mix. 

*Oddly, as yet my Poppet, despite reaching toddlerhood, shows no destructive tendencies. She is too busy collecting shoes. If I have another child and it is a boy I am dressing it in pink and lace and it will only be allowed to play with dolls and teddies. 

*O - did I forget to mention coffee machines? Let's just say our coffee grinder, as of this morning, is 'somehow' full of dishwashing liquid. 

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