Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This time last year...

9.30pm  28/7/10

My little one is maybe coming. I’ve had strong Braxton Hicks for the last few hours. They’re very nearly constant. I'm feeling unsettled. Sleepy. Listening to music, lighting candles. Had a lovely night walk, with all the family - husband, sister in law, mother in law, cousin in law.  The Sprocket fell asleep quickly and is sprawled out on the bed now, exhausted. 
I do hope this is my little one coming. My mother-in-law has to leave the country on Monday and its Thursday now and she does so want to see her before she has to go back to PNG. Besides which – I’m just so big and cumbersome… and I want to meet my daughter!
Everything is ready now – we’ve moved into the granny flat and it’s very perfect! 4 rooms instead of one makes a big difference! The rooms are all ready – the moses basket is all made up and my bags are packed and by the door.
Hmmm – a tightening. It seems stronger. I hope so. I really hope so! My daughter.
I love my son – more than anything in the world –but I do want a daughter. Of course I’ll be all set to do girly stuff and she’ll want to wear jeans and play with trucks, but that’s okay,  I’ll have a few months before she learns to say no.I've spent so long imagining her… 
I hope we’re up to two…
I should be sleeping now… resting, preparing… but I’m too unsettled…
I hope all goes well. I can’t help but be scared after the Sprocket’s birth. If we’d lived in the past the Sprocket and I would have died – my husband thought he was going to lose us both – but I’m sure this time will be different – my body knows what’s happening and I haven’t put on as much weight.
But if anything does happen I hope people make sure my Sprocket knows his mummy loved him more than the world twice over – that he brought joy and delight and wonder – and that my daughter knows we loved her from before conception.
So peaceful – restful… A quiet house and soft music... the night outside. I remember the night the Sprocket was born, a different season and state, but the same detached sort of feeling. I hope it starts raining soon. I love the sound of the rain, the smell of the rain. The name we have chosen for our daughter means rain at night.
Oh – lots of kicking.
I know when it’s over I’ll miss having the little one within me – the kicks and pulls and strange distortions – but so eager now to meet her – will she be like my husband or I? Or like the Sprocket?  It's so hard not to want a little female Sprocket. We know that we’ll love her for her own darling self – but the Sprocket is the centre of our world at the moment.
Our own little rose is on the way… I wish I knew if this were true or false! Is tonight the night? Or at least the beginning?
I told my husband it’s about a 1 in 10 chance of being tomorrow – he was going on the 1 in 20, but I pointed out that the early dates had all been ruled out – so the odds have gone up!
He’s gone to pick up his phone from his cousins and I gave him dire warnings about what would happen if things sped up and he wasn’t here!
What will she look like? How will she behave? I'm so excited – but still unbelieving...
I can feel movement down by my thighs, little fingers searching.
I think everything’s nearly ready… a few little bits and pieces… but nothing that can’t  be done while I’m in hospital.
O little one – we love you so – and are so anxious to meet you. At night I lie awake feeling you inside the round bulge of my tummy and imagining your tiny toes and fingers, your little nose and tiny mouth…
Do come, come soon, we all so want to meet you! 

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